Esteem among children nine taboo

 British and American best-selling nearly a decade, as the Since listing in late May has caused a strong reaction from readers.
For readers to understand the contents of the book, as a translator, blogger of the book 100 proposals were re-classified in order, striving to show the length of ultra-condensed book essence.
a taboo: the child's negative emotions
If someone said to you: will feel very sad.
many adults want their children to control his emotions as soon as possible, so that they do not have to continue to respond to their various emotions and afraid of spiders, fear of losing friendship, fear of failure, fear of nightmares and ghosts, all of which tested the patience of the parents. Parents are trying to respond to a rational discussion of some children in fact irrational fears. However, for your children, fear may not be within the scope of rational mm contrast, the fear could be purely emotional, rational and emotional can not be integrated.
both feel joy or despair, fear or anger, happiness, or jealousy, their parents and care of people should accept and respect and accept their emotions because they feel it is like to take this to the inherent nature of self. When our children feel the self, we refuse his feelings, that is, in rejecting his own
recommendations to parents:
respect the child's fear and anxiety, hopes and dreams, even (and especially) these emotions in your eyes look ridiculous or irrational.
accept and to describe his emotions so he developed that help to understand the language of their own emotions.
If you can accept your child's mood, he will try to accept, control, enjoy, or survive their emotions well.
jealousy, anger, frustration and resentment and other emotions, is acceptable and should not be punished or have been denied. Although it can have such a feeling, but not because of your emotions and hurt others.
accept his apology, that is, that you admitted his emotions. At this time, according to the following demonstration you can say something to him. For example: communicate with their children
communication skills for children's growth and future success is very important. If the adults, especially parents and children not to talk, he would be very difficult to talk freely with others. do not talk, which means not interested paired children may be understood to ignore him. So, the silence of the family will give him self-esteem, self worth and his future marriage and family relations of trust have a negative impact
the same time, the family exchanges, will also help on the authority of his other companions in front of adults and express their views freely, which will increase his confidence on his future dealings with professionals and officials insisted his position would be helpful.
to parents recommendations:
adhere to talk, even if this makes you feel uncomfortable. The more you talk, talk it will become increasingly easy.
as many meals together with your child. If just occasionally, please Do not touch the table manners and other controversial topics. If he took some controversial topics to shock you, not by him, just focusing instead on eating a meal.
something if you want to express our strong objections, > Taboo III: take a child to be compared with others
for some children, living in a brother / sister of glory under the drive of their life, the never-ending nightmare. Some children may never be fully fu to humiliation and inferiority. its ambitions. In childhood had been subjected to ridicule the language of these adults said that they ridiculed the language simply can not inspire people, to the contrary, they give their beautiful childhood overshadowed. to take a child compared with others, will undermine their confidence, and lead to conflict
recommendations to parents:
appreciation of differences. Every child has different reasons: It looks different, react differently, have a different idea, because everyone is unique
let the children know: at home has more than one artist, concert pianist or an athlete there is room for people like
discourage family members should not be too concerned about body image or shape. regardless of whether the benefit to him, do not Take your child's body to compare with others
Do not take your child with his peers when you compare the situation or behavior. He he, you are you.
Taboo IV: motionless reprove the child
adult casual spoken words, sometimes the child will cause great harm, and they themselves are unaware. and even the occasional joke in the form to tell the blunt words of the child will be planted the seeds of self-doubt. criticism than for big kids more sensitive to most adults realize. often scolded the child, not only cause them to doubt themselves, and they feel let down because the parents feel shame and guilt. If the child did not give satisfaction to others, he would consider themselves very disappointed Ultimately, he feels that he is a man disgusted by the worthless wretch, though he may be the emotion hidden shame
children is very dangerous, this leads to the pursuit of perfectionism and a perfect body, to prove his worth. When children feel worthless, the shame he did not even drive to self-harm
recommendations to parents:
a time an act of criticism. too much to criticize your child will hold grudges, do not want to highlight the positive aspects of co-mm
attention to those things you want him to do, choose that day, only to evaluate his performance
things do not always looked at him, no longer his improper comments because it means you're trying to control him, do not trust him not to use
humiliating language, such as: does not give birth to you, One of the things to do. On the contrary, we always forget his shortcomings that we see it as something, or indulge in the future we dream of weaving his fear may be our wishes come to nothing. But if you indulge idealized future, the reality may disappoint you. if you shown this kind of emotion, then, you and your child relationship that made him confident of this, now only let him have self-doubt
If you can not accept the fact, he is quick to rebuke him, the child is likely to be isolated from their true self, or wary around, where fear has not recognized you, or find ways to discuss your favor, get your He recognized the long run, he is bound to lose the true self
recommendations to parents:
Imagine your child makes you angry to correct all the your coat, take the initiative to scrub dishes after a meal, and never forgetful. think about it, and you will not be original with the child, his unique personality is also no longer exists.
list He lists the advantages and disadvantages, with an advantage to offset a disadvantage, and then added to the list more advantages than disadvantages
let him live in the moment rather than living in your worrying about his future. He still has a long time for us to grow and mature into adulthood
to be aware of: If he becomes the kind you want him, he may have lost self.
Taboo VI: Do not allow children to make mistakes
In the children grow up in the process, mistakes and failures are inevitable. fail sometimes very important, because if people learn a lesson, then the error will illuminate the road to success. However, if adults deny ignore the child's failure to punish the child or so, so he felt the need to deceive, to conceal or to escape fails, then the failure can not become a beacon of light the road to success.
If you are afraid of making mistakes, and denied his own mistakes, you is not helpful in passing information to him. love your real child, love him and all his mistakes, not just his perfect side
recommendations to parents:
give your child time to let him see his error. you can say to him, no shame. Failure is the need to tell him what the next did with this is different. personal insults will only make him look wrong to assume their responsibilities
if you his have high expectations
there are too many children for a long time without success, but because no one asked them to do better. they never know how high he can reach the goal, because they do not fully over, and that limits their ability is inherent in the set for their own goals within reach into.
However, today's parents and teachers often taught to children that they must raise their expectations of the concept of We may then go to the other extreme. setting goals too high, like with the goal of setting too low are not any good. goals too high will lead to failure to shake the confidence of your child and make him feel successful only to get your approval.
recommendations to parents:
list all your expectations of him. as honest face because you have these expectations, think about him every expectation may have positive and negative consequences.
itemized consider his sports, music, art, education, occupation, hobbies and entertainment, as well as your expectations are high for each, medium or low. If there are many items expectations are to achieve those goals.
carefully consider your short-term studies on whether the expectations of his reality, and if he can not reach your expectations for what you feel.
Taboo VIII: Self-esteem will build upon the success of the child
when their outstanding performance in children or students, parents and teachers have a good sense of self, which is very normal. However, if the adults will build self-esteem on the success of the child, it is very dangerous .
adults do, people will feel hurt children's self-esteem. If the parent is successful only when the child feel good about themselves, they are actually stealing a child's success, it makes them feel used, confused and empty, instead of a sense of accomplishment. let him re-filled with a sense of accomplishment, he must again and again continue to be more successful, it would bring him to pursue the burden of perfectionism. He would therefore consider it only care about his ability to do something, without attention to the real him.
recommendations to parents:
If you want to tell others the achievements of children, carefully pondering who want to tell you why to tell him, and to tell others in the open, before obtaining the consent of your child.
do not reach a certain goal as he had time for him to immediately set a new goal.
firmly tell yourself: This is his success is the result of his efforts is not to sell part of his success.
taboo Nine: the excessive use of power means
all parents have been given as the authority of parents. the authority of peace by many way to reflect. mm when the family routine to do something, what kind of actions are consistent with the requirements of the family can not be changed to make decisions mm, is a way. calm calm, trust your child will, as required or as desired to cooperate is another way. When you take a clear decision-making responsibility, you are also displayed his authority.
adults to be careful to use power tools, because the more power used, the loss was more more. the use of power, or more accurately, abuse of power, often the children can not stop doing something, it will provoke them further defiance.
recommendations to parents:
parents prestigious, not because our children autocratic control over them, but because we continue to guide, influence them, for their decision to establish the boundaries, when necessary, to manage and supervise them.
to be aware of: such as intimidation and money to buy a child, or children yelling and humiliation washed children, the children hated the power tools will eventually weaken rather than strengthen your authority.
When you take responsibility, you automatically obtain and display a your authority.
(except part of the contents statements are adjustments, all of the text edition are from recommendations matters.
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